Over and out, Christmas is done and what a toxic tinder box it was. Fuelled by two years of pandemic pressures and emotion stresses,  the ability to travel taken away from us and the grief of missing family abroad and the fear pushed by the media to create divisions between us made for quite a shit show. 

After a week of self imposed quarantine, a precaution we took to safeguard my mum  and after four years or maybe more we finally got to spend a Christmas with all my family in Upper Slaughter, where I grew up, where Josh and I got married and where all of my family live.

I experienced huge sadness, as I tried to come to terms with so many family issues that came up for me. It’s our very English way to push the unpleasant out of sight, leave things unsaid but this Christmas was the year for me that all my skeletons fell of the cupboard and the withheld suffering and silent sadness with them. I cried everyday.

Much was uncovered, it happened in an explosive way was which probably the only way and I hope it will lead to more transparency and truth moving forward (and more therapy 🙂 )

So this Christmas, this Christmas will be the year for me that the all bullshit was exposed, the pain, the shame, the suffering, the struggle, the stiff upper lip, the forced smiles, always saying it’s ok when it’s just not, will be left behind. 

I potentially may have a great lost a great deal that meant a lot to me this year but what was it really that I had? A love that is conditional is no love at all and some of what has emerged will make for stronger bonds and healing moving forwards. But I am done of pretending it its all been ok, and is ok and I am prepared for the challenges and changes that that will bring.

Step in or step out they say.. well I am doing both, as I am over always being concerned for everyone else’s welfare and feelings whilst hiding my own and denying my voice. I put up with a huge amount of trauma as a child and enough is enough, its not my job to make everyone happy, to try to make everything ok and none of it is my fault and I will demand more of my relationships and if that’s not possible then I will walk away but at least I know I will have tried and I most importantly I know and truly believe that I do deserve more.

 It’s been very painful for me this year and my heart goes out to any of you who have experienced the same, as I am sure for some it is way worse.

I know that I am more fortunate than many and I am so lucky to have Josh, Arthur and Lola as we had a lovely time together,  they are always amazing and  I will aways love being in the beautiful Cotswolds. 

As we head towards a New Year let’s hope there is a  chance to wipe the slate clear as we move on into a positive and prosperous 2022.